Dearest Friends and Lovers,
Today I decided to take advantage of no sales tax weekend and did a little fall shopping. I headed to my favorite store to begin the dreaded-- JEAN SHOPPING! I hate blue jean shopping just about as much as bra shopping. I am oddly shaped and Lane Bryant is constantly changing its styles and sizing which means I have to try on about 10 pairs to finally figure out the right pair of jeans. RED, BLUE, YELLOW, P, S, T, 4 1, 7... i just want a pair of jeans not a math and color lesson. I don't want any crazy bells or whistles I want exactly what Stacy and Clinton tell me to wear on what not to wear. A pair of dark wash jeans with a slight bootcut to balance out the top. I think this is pretty simple but I am constanly having the same conversations with the poor exaperated sales clerks.
"No ma'am I don't want jeans that are bedazzled beyond recognition, no ma'am I do not want acid wash jeans, no ma'am I under no circumstance will EVER wear jeggings."
Which led into a conversation about skinny jeans with a few sales ladies.
SL: "You should try the skinny leg jeans. They are so hot right now
ME: "Uhm, no I am not skinny and the point of dark jeans is to make my behind not look ridiculously wide. Thank you but no way. I think only skinny people should wear skinny pants. It's just my thing. I know they are popular but this a trend I have no intention of hopping onto. Thanks.
SL: No, try them on it will totally change your mind once you have them on.
ME: No, thank you I have put them tried them on before and I always felt like cat woman.
This conversation continued until I finally relented and tried them on. I walked out of the room to show them and instantly knew this was a terrible idea. They all urged me to do it I looked awesome to that I simply asked them. Ok, pretend I was your friend and not a customer. I walked up wearing these ridiculous pants and said hey girl, how do I look? You want to be seen with me out in public.... silence. YEAH POINT MADE! (PS- don't worry I got some jeans that don't make me look ridiculous, so you all can be seen in public with me without feeling shame or disgust. Just to ease your mind)
Later that whole process got me thinking about how I am currently feeling a pull from all sides of people telling me who I should be, what I should do next, and how all of this should make me feel. At 24, I am working to rediscover what really matters. I feel like a lot of people are with me in this process. What am I doing now to help me become the woman that God wants me to be in the future and what am I doing that is standing in the way of it all ?
At 24, where am I in the scheme of my plans for my life? To be honest I have never really had a concrete plan. I understand that this is probably not normal, but honestly I am not normal. I have never been able to play by the same rules as others... to be honest none of that stuff has ever made sense to me. In high school it was so important to have a boyfriend or be boy crazy. I have never really dated much because I never felt like it was necessary. I could keep those guys in my life and to this day they all remain life long friends with no mess and no fuss. Until recently I thought that this plan was great-- who needs all that planning and emotional hoopla but I have been thinking. To really get what you want and what you need don't you sometimes need to get messy? Don't we all need to be a little vulnerable sometimes? I try to always be the one in charge and the tough cookie. Is anyone buying this act?
I am a planner not a dreamer. This is just how I am. I have always been able to see the amazing potential in things and people around me. For myself, I have always just wanted one thing. To be happy. Although, in the first grade I did write a paper about how I wanted to McGyver when I grow up, still haven't figured out where to place that resume at. I look at things realistically, how much will it cost me if this does not work out? What are the odds that this will work out and be a good thing? If I look at all the facts and it does not add up, then I walk away. This has served me well throughout my life as I am God has blessed me, and made me a pretty wise young lady despite my youth. Though this has kept me out of much pain and heartache I still feel a twinge of jealously for those amazing people around me who can just jump head first into life and adventure. I long to do that yet my realistic nature taps me on the shoulder... so I wait.
The last couple of weeks have really gotten me thinking about taking risks. What does that mean? I think my biggest fear in life is to be at the end of my life and realize that I have not done anything spectacular with the time and energy that God has given me. I don't know what my future holds. Trust me I have been asking, begging, pleading, and crying for a tiny glance so I can feel some resolution. All I know is: I am ready to find my perfect fit in this world. I know this is not Oz, and nothing is perfect, but I am ready to open a new chapter to my story. I understand people wanting to warn me about the parols of what is out there in the big scary world. Trust me, I am freakishly aware of them myself, but I just know in my heart that God is preparing something for me. Something so exciting that I will be so glad that I let go and jumped in.
So, as I dry about the 400,000,000 tear I have cried over my fate I ask you this friends. What did you do today to get you one step closer to becoming the person you always knew you could be? When was the last time you took a step back and reflected on the potential you have? As I wait for answers I want you to also consider this for yourself-- Where is my perfect fit? What am I doing to get there?
Love,
Ash
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